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Wednesday, December 31, 2008 12/31/2008 01:46:00 AM
was feeling pretty upset just now, a little angry even. but after reading a little something on the internet, i guess i should just resign myself to the bitterness thats to come. it was me who chose to walk down this path thats seemingly beautiful, yet so far from heaven.
i feel like i have been cheated by a desperate salesman trying to sell his goods, all promises and gurantees, but what i get in the end is nothing near as promised.
i guess in this 19year old mortal body, im just a little boy,with nostalgia forming a major characteristic of me.
release of project module's term 1 ica results. mmmmmmmmmm.
perhaps it is selfish,but this righteous heart does not feel any wrong. rights or wrongs, perhaps i am to be the antagonist forever.
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Thursday, December 25, 2008 12/25/2008 08:24:00 PM
I had three friends. Eric, Cathlyn, Carol.Eric was chased by all the girls in our high school.Cathlyn was one of those popular girls. Cheerleader, sexy, and stylish.Carol was just one of those plain and average girls .Cathlyn and Carol were both totally crazy and wacko over Eric.Cathlyn didn't have to do anything to attract Eric.For she was already attractive enough.Carol on the other hand, showered Eric which love and care.Carol wasn't ugly at all.In fact, she looked sweet and pleasant.But she wasn't a cheerleader, she didn't were spaghetti-straps or tubes.So like everyone expected, Eric chose Cathlyn.For Carol was just one ordinary and plain girl.While Cathlyn was labeled as the cool and attractive type.Eric always insulted Carol. Telling her what a 'Plain Jane' she was.And how dumb she looked.Which obviously made Carol feel so hurt and useless.That's life. Carol never gave up though.She wanted to prove something to Eric.She wanted to prove that looks aren't everything.She studied hard, really hard.She became the top girl, and all the guys who once ignored her, chased her.But she never forgot Eric.Everyday, she put a red rose in Eric's locker.Always with the same words.'I care for you, and I always will'Because she knew that Eric was facing a hard time.Eric began to realise.How dumb he had been.His beloved girlfriend, Cathlyn.Was flirting with other guys.He regretted for choosing the wrong girl.
Cathlyn broke up with Eric later.For she had found a wealthier guy.Eric felt so cheated, stupid and dumb.He went to look for Carol.He knelt on his knees, and said."Carol, please forgive me. Do you want to be my girlfriend?"Carol rejected him, much to everyone's surprise.She only uttered these words."You've suffered a great loss, so I don't want you to face another one"
Eric felt disappointed.He didn't understand a word that she said to him.But they became good friends.Did everything together.Eric began to change into someone better.Because Carol showered him with the love he never experienced before.His ex-girlfriends had never treated him that way.They just accepted him for his looks.But Carol accepted him for himself .She changed him.Carol continued putting a red rose into his locker everyday.With the same words. She never forgot.
One day, Carol didn't turn up in school.She didn't come for a week.At first, Eric thought that she was on a vacation with her family.Because she told him that she would be going Hawaii with them.But one day. He received a call from the General Hospital.Saying that Carol was about to die.She had been suffering from cancer.But Carol forbade them from telling him.Because she didn't want Eric to worry about her.But now that she was about to die.She wanted to see Eric for the last time.Eric rushed to the hospital.When he saw how weak Carol was.Tears began rushing down his cheeks.He whispered."Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why did you hide this from me?"She looked at him . And smiled weakly at him.
"When I said that I didn't want you to suffer from facing another loss, I meant this. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry. I wanted to spend my last days with you cheerfully." Eric looked at her."You can't leave me!" he said."What will I be without you?""You'll be who you are now. I will always be there by your side. Never forget that. Cherish those times. Live life happily. And one more thing." "Yes?" "I love you" And she died. Eric screamed.He still couldn't accept Carol's death.He had only spent a month with Carol.
A month. But Carol changed his life in a way.A way that no one could ever explain. He regretted.But he knew that Carol would always be keeping an eye on him from Heaven.Sometimes We just don't appreciate those people who really care for us.Until they leave us. Until we lose them. Then we regret.Outer beauty doesn't matter; it's the inner one that counts.It's better to tell someone how much you love them.Rather than to not tell them and lose them without telling them.You'll regret Love is. When we fight till the very last minute.Just to show and tell someone how much we love them.
found on the blog of a friend of my friend. Unconditional love? DISCUSS.
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Wednesday, December 24, 2008 12/24/2008 02:44:00 AM
as i was passing bottle tree park today(the prawn fishing place), i suddenly remembered.
mental note to self for future visits, or future visitors cause its god damn fun to fish for prawns especially when im there.
[LEAVE THE PREMISES BEFORE 3.30AM BECAUSE THATS THE TIME THE AH PEH SECURITY GUARD GOES TO SLACK AND WOULDNT OPEN THE FRONT GATE FOR US AND WE HAVE TO CLIMB THE WOODEN FENCE WHICH REALLY HURTS YOUR TOES ALTHOUGH THE FENCE LOOKS HARMLESS.]
hmm mum went off to phuket for a holiday since monday and will be back on thursday and idk where dad went, and so no one is around to do the laundry and im running out of jeans. i just hope that i dont run out of underwear.
today is also the day that i just realized that for the past few weeks/months, i have been losing my temper quite easily. but most of the time my mind's still rational enough to keep myself in check so that i dont do or say anything out of rage.
unless somethings coerced me to just shoot my mouth off in an instant. which most of the time i dont really regret doing so because i dont see why i cant defend myself while you chip away at whats left of my patience and rationality with your words. yeah yeah,you are the most 'manly' and 'useful' one among us boys. braggart.
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Sunday, December 21, 2008 12/21/2008 06:25:00 PM
feeling ill again. was getting alot better...then it went downhill again. the best advice i can give myself is to sleep earlier, and start eating proper meals, or to even start eating at all.
on friday,while going home from school, there was these 3 malay dudes,kindly telling me that i had left my bag open. they werent mats wearing skinnies and high cap and shit like that, but they were big sized and they were gangsta and nigga and stuff like that. thanks,'homies'. hahaha.
saturday was a pretty fun day. met up with my com skills group at 12plus then went to do our video shooting. my part was epic humiliation. >.< style="font-weight: bold;">sabo-ed to be assist. class rep. yes,i have evidence. belief and faith in me? lol bullshit and lies.
went to the function room,everyone started eating, but i didnt cause wasnt hungry. while i went out to take a smoke and enjoy the evening wind, a classmate of mine came out,and told me that out of all her guy friends, im the most 'zi shuai' one. from my understanding of the chinese language, 'zi' means straight and 'shuai' means handsome. so im the most straight and most handsome guy she has ever known. :D
she also understands me very well, she knows that im keeping my mouth tightly shut about some things even though my personality is screaming at me to just open my mouth and voice it all out. i appreciate you,friend.(:
then went in,played some games, then left the area.took bus 39 all the way back, alighted with allan at bottle tree park,waited for sam to arrive then we went prawn fishing! didnt catch much for the night.
ohoh halfway while fishing, the Grand Master of Prawning came over with a net of about 10 prawns, placed it near me,and said "This is yours." and walked off in a cool manner. i was like "huh...okay" then i shouted and asked sam if those prawns were the ones he caught, but he said no. then i was like OMG THE GRAND MASTER HAS BLESSED ME WITH HIS PRAWNS. it was a true honour receiving his prawns. i also have never spoken to him before,and to think that my first words to him are just a 'huh okay' its how scary that every week,when he leaves,he always brings home about 40-50 prawns. and whenever he catches a prawn,he just calmly hauls it up with 1 hand like it was nothing to him.
i hope he makes me his disciple hehehe.
also,the boss of the prawning farm once said "ni dong ni hen ice cream mah?" HAHAHA.
waited til around 5am plus,then went home. freaking tired,slept at 6am.
went out today in the evening to eat sushi at hougang. not bad,could have ate more if i wasnt having a sore throat and if my appetite was better. went home after eating.
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Friday, December 19, 2008 12/19/2008 07:29:00 PM
once again,i have fallen ill.
i used to be strong,and every moment spent in my weakened emotional state is punishment to me,both physically and mentally.
keep me warm on a cold winter's night.
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Wednesday, December 17, 2008 12/17/2008 01:56:00 AM
first of all,i would like to say
rest in peace great grandmother. i hope that your 98 years of living has been a full and meaningful one. although i wouldnt say you never had any regrets in your life, i just wish and hope that no regrets remain when you left this world.
in my 19years of life,i think i have only seen my great grandma 19times. an average of 1 time per year,which is on chinese new year day. and i dont speak much to her,cause all along i just greet her "lao mah" and then she will ask in teochew "you are ah hwa(my dad) son ah?" and i will just say "ya" and just smile politely before leaving her room. and this routine repeats itself,year by year.
although i wouldnt say i regret not speaking to her more when shes still around, but she being born in the year 1910, great grandma was like a piece of singapore's history. she has witnessed WW2 in singpore,seen lee kuan yew rise to power and all that. and now she has joined them...to be remembered as the past.
i will miss you great grandmother...
on a lighter note, i think that we should form a band guys. our first hit single would be, "oh its so true,i wouldnt be fucking you" or something like, "dont you ever dare lay hands on me,G" fucking awesome right.
also thanks sam for cooking the mee poh dry. it wasnt horrible tasting,thank god for that. but it still feels gay knowing the fact that a guy of around the same age as me cooked noodles for me. hmmmmm. also nice video of I.P MAN. HAHAHA.
this holiday feels like the semester break we had 2months plus ago. so many things just felt like how it was 2months back.. but of course its not exactly the same.. some things are way different now.
i was reading some of my older posts on my blog, and sadly,a random prediction i made in my september archive came true,it wasnt exactly 100% true,but it was somehow,somewhere there. this shows that....
I CAN LOOK IN THE FUTURE LOL.
good night folks
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Sunday, December 14, 2008 12/14/2008 09:58:00 PM
its so ironic,that the noun 'words' is so over used by humans,yet it still remains the thing that hurts the most
i wouldnt say i'm sorry, instead, i'll just be truthful, cause afterall,its the most sincere way to show that im trying to resolve a situation..right? besides, i dont think my 'apologies' would be of any use at all.. .maybe just a little. BUT, first of all, the intention of this post is not to add fuel to the fire i think the problem with us is that both of us are like 'outspoken people'. similar to point that we are both 'outspoken' but different in what we stand and believe in.
maybe thats why we fight so much, maybe thats why we fought so much. if we do ever fight again however, which i would rather avoid, and instead have a good conversation to settle things out.
i think we would both need to look at the big picture before we go into any form of argument and just hurt each other, causing unhappiness, sorrow, despair, disappointment, pressure, stress, and every other negative feeling or result one can derive from the dictionary because thats just what fights do, they break you down and leave you feeling empty.
even if you might be very cautious or distrusting of me now, if we do work together again,i promise history would not be repeated. because after all this,i finally learned something from it.
i realize that is not my position to pinpoint or oppress anyone who have conflicting opinions. i think what we need to do is that we both have to try to understand what each of us are doing. and if we have different views we both need to realize that the other idea might actually really be better.
no i'm not shooting you or anything, in fact, i myself must also try to see why you wanted things to be done a certain way, and vice versa.
i think i've said enough, you deserve the term break, please take care of yourself,pamper yourself, catch up on your sleep. you definately deserve better.
even though earlier i said i wont apologize, i guess... i'm sorry things like this happened, i'm not proud of what i've said or done.
if it was any other girl i wouldnt even have cared half as much.
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Saturday, December 13, 2008 12/13/2008 01:14:00 AM
after reading what you said, i regretted what i had done i had gone too far and did too much...
all i wanted to do was to make you happy but along the way something went horribly wrong and now im paying for my mistakes...
perhaps the damage done was way too severe. perhaps you have expected better, expected much more from me hence the huge disappointment in me you have never expected that i was such a major letdown...
at the end,after everything, if we are still not able to reconcile,to become normal friends again, i would say that i would be very sad to witness the death of our friendship, the death and passing of something once so beautiful...
but if we were to become friends again, something which i really hope and yearn for, it would definately be most wonderful, and it our friendship would most likely be stronger then it was before...
i dont know the past, neither do i know the present, and most definately know nothing of the future, i dont know anything else right now...
im very tired and how i wish i could be a bear,and hibernate and sleep for the whole of next 2 weeks its pointless waking up,to face reality once again to face emptiness for every waking minute and when i finally wake up 2 weeks later, maybe the world will change, maybe miracles happen like the cure to aids or cancer has been found, or maybe shit happens like world war 3 or some global epidemic arises but it would be most interesting........
i definately deserve these 2 weeks of break
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Wednesday, December 10, 2008 12/10/2008 01:35:00 AM
hmm. this is week 9, and today is quite a big day,because we have to submit our project folders to scott jones for checking today,for him to see what was done for this term.
and for the project folder,it was marked as a group effort,under Project Management. we got an A for it. and as the group leader,i was tasked to handle the file,print everything, put everything in,organise the stuff inside,and bring it everytime.
but obviously i didnt lift a single finger in managing the file. cause if i was in charge of the file,we'd probably get D for it.
so,i would like to thank meizhen, for single handedly managing the file for the past 9 weeks. i would also like to thank you on the behalf of the group, because im guessing that the rest of the members are probably too ungrateful to utter a word of thanks or appreciation to you. but do tell me when any of them prove me wrong okay?(:
perhaps i have burdened you with my responsibility for far too long, so feel free to pass the file to me anytime. but i do not gurantee that we maintain a A grade for the file.haha.
but i would also like to say sorry, for i cannot respect your decision to spare those 2. like i have said multiple times,they have taken your kindness for granted. and this behavior is going to be worse and worse, until its gonna be like today,where they dont even bother to hand in crappy pieces of work,cause they know you will do their part for them. the entire part.while they get free marks.
it was on your behalf that i spared 1 of them today. but please make sure that it gets into her head that she does, finishes and submits her work by the deadline, cause i already said im giving her one last chance. just one more time and shes screwed over.
please understand that, long ago,during week 2, when she say stupid stuff like, "if you guys want to fail,go ahead.please dont drag me down too" and especially when she directs it to me, she has,in a way,promised to commit to the project.
but when she do stupid stunts like what she did today, i will have got to let her go, im not going to let her drag me down and fail with her.(:
overall,for both of them, it would have been fine if it was once or twice, but too many times,and when it affects my groupmates and friends, especially causing a major lack of sleep for some people, it has gone way too far.
you may hate me for being a selfish leader, but this is the only practical path i can take. they are being so selfish,and i really dont see why we must suffer for them.
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Sunday, December 07, 2008 12/07/2008 01:43:00 AM
i was out the whole day yesterday, celebrating an old friend's birthday. when another old,close friend of mine told me he reads my blog, which surprised me alot. because after all these years,he still keeps track of my blog. he also added that he also read the blog of my 'agrue-e'
this friend of my commented that my most recent rant posts were very well written and coordinated. also,he said that those posts were very harsh,and straight to the point. he asked if i had any prior planning whatsoever, or did i acquire the help of 2 of our other old friends,both known to have very sharp tongues. but of course i said no,to both questions.
initially,i was a little happy,cause it seemed like a compliment to me. but i thought again,because this is something i shouldnt be proud of. its like saying someone is very talented in murdering people, but at the end of the day,it is not something good or something to be proud about.
im very tired of these fighting and arguments. we have been fighting non stop for 3 weeks. both parties show no sign of giving in,its clearly a fight to the death. and i thought to myself,what do i really want above all these arguments? all i want is peace,and maybe be friends again. but after arguing for 3 weeks,even if either party were to win the argument(s). would it really bring back the peace we all had last time? will we still be friends again like last time? it is highly unlikely.
and that is why i have come to this, in hopes that what we have been seeking all this while may come to fruition. i give up fighting. im not going to argue anymore. im too tired to...and even if i have the energy,i dont wish to continue anymore. and if it makes you happy,yeah im going ahead to say you win.i lost.
maybe you were in the right from the start,maybe neither of us were, either way,i dont care anymore....i want my peace.. i already went ahead and buried the hatchet on my side, what you would do on your side,its all up to you.. even if you were to choose to harbor hate for me for the rest of your life, i dont blame you..
if you were to ignore all my messages,or to ignore me for the rest of your life, i hope you read this final post, just to let you know my current intentions are.. and if it doesnt trouble you too much, i hope you too,let me know in one way or another, what your thoughts or intentions are after reading this post. it wouldnt hurt to let me know if we are still enemies,strangers or friends after all the past 3 weeks....right? [=
although it may be too late already, i still would like to ask for your forgiveness, and i pray that its not too late for that. all in all,to me,you are still a dear friend that i rather not lose....
im sorry for everything!
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Tuesday, December 02, 2008 12/02/2008 09:50:00 AM
oh my god. yesterday was the one of the funniest shit i have had in weeks. its amazing how when the 3 of us get together, our deeply heartfelt problems become laughs. i almost shit my pants laughing.literally. it becomes all funny til....
an unknown uncle from nowhere pops out. it really killed the mood.
but ahh. funny stuff.
they are one of my closest friends, and just weeks ago(almost months), i managed to piss both of them off in one go. then i thought to myself, "wow i am epic fail"
but the amazing thing is that true friends 'forgive', and after we reconciled i actually became mindful of my words and actions when i am around them. less of a jerk,more of a friend. i guess in layman terms its called 'cherishing your close friends' its losing friends like these that make you feel that a little part of your heart is missing,little,but big enough to be noticeable.
dont worry,other close friends, im working on integrating you guys into a part of my heart too. :P
today was quite a day. with the thought in mind that im getting wotlk today when i went out of the house, i thought that nothing could bring me down today. but i was wrong,and it wasnt too bad...i guess.
but much accomplishments today! jones presentation is over,finished sengp project. and getting WOTLK! wowza.
and i thought that it was a little funny that today, after finishing sengp project,i was like "alright see you suckers!" and raising both my middle fingers in the air cause thats how i celebrate freedom, lin long was like "OIE!" and she actually wanted to point them, but she didnt because she didnt want to degrade herself.
cmon,L--2,join the dark side. you'll be able to point them every single day. otherwise,SEE YA SUCKA.
the other sucking thing is that after reaching home with my wotlk, i remembered that its tuesday and wow is having maintenance. NABEI.
GOODNIGHT IM SLEEPING.
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